I'm feel so empty and lonely; like I'm neglected or abandoned. Deep in my heart, there's just numbness and a huge lump of hatred and unhappiness. I don't find pleasure in doing things I enjoyed most. I can't think straight and my thoughts and envisions are all clouded and they are contradicting each other. They have come to a point where I can't understand my own self anymore.

There's been rough cuts in my journey this year. This journey had consumed and drained my energy much than I had expected. Furthermore, I've lost my confidence, ability, competency and faith in myself. And it was even worst during the O level period. I had to deal with many fuckingly insane matters and at the same time, I was battling all the negative thoughts that crept into my own mind. Plus, no one at home was helping me to give support or motivation. The place that I went to was my classmates who went to sch with me everyday to mug for the O's. My other friends have somehow disappeared to somewhere I don't know. Perhaps they mugged off their heads, limbs and nerves, and forgot all about the world and the people living in it. Too bad then.

Well, enough said. Now, O's are way over and it's time to fucking chill. Right.

Now. It's actually bothering me even more. I don't plan to work NOW as I still want to relax and just have some fun. But living in this house is driving me crazy. My mom is constantly nagging at me even for the most trivial and petty matters. I'm trying my best to please her by doing more housework (including cooking) and have cut down a little on going out. Instead, I find myself berating and getting boiling mad against her and everyone else at home. It irritates me so much that it makes me feel that I should stay away from home even more. The less I see her, the more peace I can gain.

Also, my parents are not supportive of my decisions and my ardour. They expect me to be a good filial daughter and follow everything that they say or instruct. My mom wants me to stay at home EVERY SINGLE DAY to keep her company and please her by doing the house chores. Obviously I can't! I'm living my youth and I want to spend my youth days doing things that I'm passionate about. I'm young and I would love to explore and learn new things. But I can't, because the barrier are my parents and my sister. FUCK alright fuck.

They think that I'm mixing around with the bad company and retrieving all the negative influences. They feel that ALL my friends are BAD, and the angelic people that I should be mixing about are people like my cousin, Fatin. But I'm old and matured enough for my own age to see and differentiate between the good and bad. But they stripped me off that chance. What the fuck right? They've never believe in my potential and abilities. And you should say that I should have prove them wrong of their perspective right? I tried and didn't succeed. I received a scolding and a nagging from them actually. My parents are close-minded. One example, they think those people that wear nail polish and dye their hair are BAD! But it doesn't make a single sense to me. How could you judge a person's personality and attitude by the way one dresses? Sheesh.

If my sister doesn't do shits during her fucking teenage life, everything will be so smooth and alright. And my parents wouldn't have to worry much about me and would give me the freedom that I've fucking longed and yearned for. kns! She's trying to control and restrict my life. What the fuck sial? What's next then? She's going to make plans and decisions for my own life and career? Fuck nabeii cheebai okeh.

Right now, imagine this: What would you do, when your heart is torn between two places - the urge to do things that you're most passionate about, or to please your parents and not hurt their feelings and expectations? That's the current predicament I'm down at. I'm trying my best to please my mom and I don't fancy seeing her getting all boiled up and lashed out nasty comments at me. The impact? I'M FUCKING HUGELY HURT AND DEPRESSED. This is because, I need to sacrifice my most important passionate things in life to satisfy my parents expectations. I'm passionate about music as it has become part of my life, flesh and blood. I have a talent (although its going rusty) and I want to make full use out of it and I wouldn't want it to go to waste. Now, I have an opportunity to play music in a band and to keep on harnessing my talent. Though I don't want to waste this opportunity, but my parents wouldn't hear any of this. But we're talking about MY life and I'll be the one responsible for any consequences of the decisions that I've made. And how could you do something without your parents blessings, although you're being sincere??

God. When you grow older, everything's getting very complicated, convoluted and getting out of control. I don't want to grow up so that I wouldn't need to relentlessly think or worry off your head about everything.

Today's the gig. It looks like I won't be performing tonight. How the fuck should I break them the news? I was so completely looking forward to be up on stage and perform again..But this had to happen. I cried the whole night and my eyes are so fucking swollen now. I hate breaking hearts and promises. I hate it when everytime such shits happened.

BUT WHY MUST IT ALL HAPPENED TO ME???!!!! WHY ME ????!!!!!!!!!!!!

My dad's in SGH and if I don't visit him, who else will? If I don't visit my dad, my mom and sister would pass such crude remarks to me and say that I'm prioritising my friends more than my family and I'm such an unfilial and ungrateful daughter. They already said all of it during dinner just now. It hurts so much and my tears just couldn't stop flowing. Am I such a bad daughter that it's my destiny to deserve all these? And my tears couldn't stop flowing whenever I think about the band and the gig today..My heart is torn and ripped in two places. And I just don't know what I should do next. I cried so much during dinner time and all the way till now. I can't stop myself. It seems like I'm the one who's making such fucking mistakes and I have only myself to blame.

Stop saying that you understand my feelings and everything that I'm going through. STOP IT. It's getting on my nerves. How could you say that you understand what I'm going through when it's actually ME that going through all these fucking shits - NOT YOU! Go to hell and fucking leave me alone. I loathe all of you. Fuck ok fuck.